Tag Archives: Humor

Long life? Eh.. not so much.

The local news rag, aptly named The Olympian, republished a story from the Associated Press wires this morning entitled “Report finds prison an answer to long life“.  However, we’re apparently admitting corpses to prison, so it seems like this may not be an answer after all.  The article states:

“Eight percent were murdered or killed themselves, 2 percent died of alcohol, drugs or accidental injuries, and 1 percent of the deaths could not be explained, the report said.

“The rest of the deaths – 89 percent – were due to medical reasons. Of those, two-thirds of inmates had the medical problem they died of before they were admitted to prison.” [emphasis mine]

Now, this sentence can actually be correctly read – I presume they meant that the rest of the deaths were attributable to previously existing medical problems – but as written, this is hilarious.  Someone ought to write a letter to the editor on how corpses can come back to haunt us and thus should be tried for their sins.  I suggest that perhaps the reality is that the maggots that feed off the corpse become guilty by association, so therefore, they need to be jailed.  Or perhaps the Thurston County Coroner just got tired of all the dead bodies.

It’s either that or we’ve discovered the fountain of youth – die and be imprisoned, live forever!

Tear Goose

Q13 Fox, in reporting a very serious standoff in Snohomish County tonight, captioned a portion of the news story stating that the police used “tear goose” to subdue the subject.

An inquiry into the government’s usage of secret geese training programs shall begin shortly.

Further Excerpts from The Spam Bible

In the spirit of this old blog post, I bring you further excerpts from the Spammer’s Bible:

And the e-mail clients were ripe for picking, and they said to Us, “Advertise at a minimum cost! Make us distrust marketing entirely and sell us our Viagra!”

Overlooked was the fact that Viagra did not yet exist on yon Earth.

Those first billion e-mail transactions in thy faithful language of binary – 10010001 – blessed us holy and netted us one cent.

Thus spake the original spammers: SmallCap! Re-finance! Loww ratess! Skyrocket!

I have written of spam before, and it seems appropriate again now.

Warning: There Are Still Stupid People In The World

Whatever you do when you drive, don’t do this:

The Seattle Times reports that a woman test driving a car drove it into a pool in an apartment complex this morning:

Witnesses said the woman had arrived to look at a red Buick Riviera that was being sold. With the woman behind the wheel, the car careened westbound out of the parking lot, went through two chain-link fences and down a slight embankment before it came to rest in the condo swimming pool, they said.

NWCN elaborates a bit:

The woman, who has an instruction permit, started the car and somehow mistook the gas pedal for the brake, police said. The car jumped a parking stall curb and bolted out of the parking lot, driving over a telephone utility box and glancing off a tree before crashing through a chain link fence and diving into the pool.

Sigh.