Desperate for it to be spring, and you want to be sure of positive results on Groundhog’s Day? Here’s a few options for you:

Option One: Hair Dryers and Long Extension Cords
Hibernation takes place only so long as the creature believes that it’s not warm enough to wake up. Find a hole in the ground. After verifying that this hole belongs to a groundhog (no moles, rats, or ants accepted), plug a long extension cord into the nearest electrical outlet. Plug the other end of the extension cord into the hair dryer’s electrical plug and start the hair dryer. Warm to a reasonable temperature (baked groundhogs don’t tell you if it’s Spring), lightly blow warm air down the hole until groundhog decides that it’s warm enough, wakes up, sticks its head out of its hole, then promptly bites you and gives you rabies after discovering that it’s been horridly lied to and it isn’t, in fact, mating season.

This option may require some patience, a couple of days before Groundhog’s Day, and several rabies vaccinations. Hair dryer an absolute necessity; depending upon model, you may not require an extension cord.

Option Two: Baja Vacationing
This option requires some forethought and preparation. Depending on when you decide to exercise this option, you will either need a car or a plane ticket and a passport. Groundhog is required. Shovel is required. A very large, deep box is also required.

Step one: carefully dig a very, very large trench around the groundhog’s hole (after verifying that this hole does, in fact, belong to a groundhog). Prepare large box with densely packed dirt. Transfer the dirt inside the trench (groundhog included) into box. Seal the box nicely, but be sure to give the poor creature some ventilation; dead groundhogs do not serve their intended purpose.

Step two: travel to Mexico or some other warm clime. Now, unseal the box and wait a few days — sooner or later, the groundhog will get the idea, wake up, and declare it spring. Mission accomplished, and the groundhog isn’t mad in this option — who would be, with an all-expenses-paid trip to foreign lands, when most groundhogs never get out that much?

This is based upon a thirty second conversation with my girlfriend, and is admittedly so horrible that I myself can scarcely believe I bothered to write it. Insight into my horrid sense of humor is thus provided, and everyone’s happy.

Hi, mom.